i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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