Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
