Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
