dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
