Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
