he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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