im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
