Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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