There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
