I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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