Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
