I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
