Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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