I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
