There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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