Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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