Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
