Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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