somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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