Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
