So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
