We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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