If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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