VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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