Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
