I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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