She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
