Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
