I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
