I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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