She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
