she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
