I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
