I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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