Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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