Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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