I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
