i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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