I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
