Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
