zippers are such a cool invention
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
