True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
