i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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