I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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