i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
