My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
