3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Did you just see the Batmobile???
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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