ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
