Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
