There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
